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I bet he did, dress fatty and since I no longer trusted my parents at their word, I also refused to discount the possibility that his parents weren't the same couple I'd come to know as dress fatty my own. Given our slanted eyes and dress fatty our hair's tendency to blow out into wild afro poofs, I thought it was possible that we were identical albino Pinky Poops. (Go ahead and look that up at the Racial Slur Database.) These questions kept me up at night nearly as often as sessions of marathon masturbation, so I collected as many clippings as I could find. Unfortunately, they only repeated the mythology that had been duly established by that damned ABC series, which mocked my anguish with its wry blend of comedy and adolescent pathos. CAPTION (left: Doogie, getting the standard, breathless rimjob coverage over his astonishing academic career; right: Hey, he wasn't the only one getting his name in print…check this little clipping from my stint as a kid actor at a local dinner theater.
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